Rollercoaster

This morning, what started as a talking-to from my boss quickly dissolved into me sobbing horribly in front of her. She was unhappy with my productivity (or lack thereof) over the past day or two (and miscellaneous unnamed previous occasions). I've had discussions with management in the past that have lead me to tears, but in the past I've kept it together until leaving the office and hurrying to the bathroom to cry it out. But then she mentioned how she notices my productivity comes and goes in waves. "You'll go a while getting a lot done, and then for a couple weeks you don't work as hard". I started crying almost instantly, but there was a moment -probably only a few seconds, but it felt like an eternity- where a hundred thousand thoughts slapped me in the face all at once.

My last job was at a Subway, where I worked for two years. A couple months in, my anxiety disorder got to the point that I saw a doctor for the first time. I was unable to do closing shifts by myself because of it. I later found out from my manager that her boss/the store owner wanted to fire me upon learning about my diagnosis, but he couldn't (because of it being illegal). I eventually did get fired alongside a handful of other employees after a terrible annual audit. Everyone who worked the previous year was fired in a group meeting.

To this day I not only hold onto a lot of irrational guilt (a little piece of me feels like he wanted to fire me and used this as an excuse, but others went down with me. It's irrational for plenty of reasons, but namely that Indiana is an at-will state and he could've fired me without reason at any time), I also have a horrible fear of letting my employers know about my anxiety and bipolar issues for fear of losing my job, so I try to hide it. And until today, I thought I was doing a really good job of it, but that is clearly not the case.

So I opened up more to my boss. I told her how my husband and I are planning on moving to a larger city with better mental health care. I told her how some days I feel like I can't even get out of bed, even if it's the day after I couldn't be any more motivated and happy. She was more understanding than I ever could have hoped for.

I love my job. I love what I do. I love the people I work with. I love my boss. But some days are almost too much. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed with the tasks at hand that I can't manage my time or not panic.