2014

I haven't posted on this blog in quite some time. I've taken up a second blog called FemiNamaste where I discuss gender and women's issues. However, I felt the need to revisit this place.

I have reverted all of my past posts to drafts. I may re-open some of them at a later date, perhaps with some editing, but I'd like to start fresh, retell my story, and then talk about some other things.

My name is Susan. I am 27-years-old. I am married to a university philosophy & ethics teacher. We like to play video games together. I have generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) and manic depressive disorder, also known as bipolarity.

Sometimes I have trouble coping with it. I saw a psychiatrist for a while. Over the course of <6 months he took me from 20mg daily of medication to 105mg of anti-depressants, blood pressure medication, and tranquilizers. He was very impersonal. I stopped seeing him after he told my younger sister -also a patient of his- that she should consider weight loss surgery to help her depression. One of the reasons for her seeing him was anorexia nervosa, and while she was overweight at the time, she was far from obese or unhealthy, and she was at a much healthier weight than she had been at the lowest point of her anorexia. Before seeing a psychiatrist, I battled addiction to a previously prescribed medication for my GAD (Ativan) and possibly alcoholism (I was never "diagnosed" per se, but I'd hit the point where concerned friends -some alcoholics themselves- were expressing their concerns over my excessive alcohol intake, thus making me aware of my issues with alcohol). I drink very rarely now, mostly because my body just can't handle it like it used to, and I no longer force myself to drink until I don't feel feelings.

I also dealt with self injury for many years and still struggle with it, though not as severely. I still have scars from the times I would inflict abrasions and cuts on myself with scissors. Sometimes now I find myself clipping excessively at my fingernails, fingertips, and cuticles with nail clippers when I'm particularly stressed. There is literally never a time when my fingers and nail beds are not red, sore and covered in hangnails. My wedding photographer had to Photoshop my hands smooth in our wedding pictures even, because my hands are absolutely unsightly at all times.

Because I have no quality psychiatric care available, I use supplements. I take magnesium, vitamin D, and vitamin B-12 daily. They take the edge off. I try to keep my creative outlets vast (musically and artistically especially), and I play a lot of video games, because the thought process and problem solving helps my brain stay happy. The most helpful medication I've used for GAD/MDD is marijuana. Unfortunately, it is not considered a medicinal in Indiana, and therefore I'm trying to remain somewhat anonymous for fear of backlash for my usage of it.

My job is a stressful place. Retail is rough. If you're a customer, do your best to be kind and give the benefit of the doubt to the folks at the store. Your happiness affects our happiness.

I'm going to possibly chronicle my feelings more here, as well as share stories about people and things that inspire me and make me happy so that I can look back on them when I need to be reminded of how good my life is.

Love,
SC